I’ve probably never related more to a post on here than this one. It was so hard for me to admit I had a problem. Part of what made it so difficult is because I could go weeks at a time without drinking. But anytime I did, I lost control. I did awful things. Got a DUI, tried to harm myself, was violent and abusive to people I care about, and this went on for over a decade. Yet I couldn’t stop. The habit of going out over the weekend was too engrained in me. The temptation to drink when alcohol was casually around was too strong. I always justified it. Always told myself it would be different. It never was. I’m four years sober now and it was hell changing my habits and my surroundings to the point where I could actually stop. But my life is amazing now. And stopping was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. 12-step programs aren’t for everyone, and they have their issues just like any organization does. But I can only speak from my own experience in saying that AA saved my life. They teach you how to avoid that liquor store, they offer you lessons about why it’s important to avoid people, places, and things that will trigger you to drink. But most of all, they will hold you and support you. And that is what anyone who is stuck in an addictive loops needs - community, support, love. I gently suggest you give the program a fair chance. Meaning, go to at least 10 meetings (all different kinds) until you decide whether or not it is for you. And really TRY. Raise your hand and introduce yourself. Tell them you’re new. I promise, they will welcome you with open arms. And they will help you. DM me if you ever need to chat.
My story is so similar to yours I almost thought it was my mind playing tricks on me. I sent you a friend request to share