There's something I've got to say

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#1

Hello everyone...there's something I've been longing to say that has been building up over time.
I a loner, and do not know who I am. The only way I survive is through alcohol to avoid reality...the only way I stay sober is to isolate and stay hidden in my room. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression, after my 20 year marriage ended in divorce leading to suicidal attempts and the loss and heartbreak of my best friend and brother to suicide last year. I fee I'm a a kind and caring person. Hardworking loyal but weak individual trying to prove my worthiness..but within days it eventually leads to a drink and another and another etc....I've let life beat me down. Trying to put the pieces back together has been a struggle. Now that I've made positive changes, and starting to become comfortable in my own skin...I believe I have everything in control, and the next day I'm hungover and realize I'm not in control. I then ask myself am I even capable of existing in the public eye, being independent and on my own. It's scary. Deep down inside, I think I'm fearful and non trusting of others, including myself. So I put myself out of sight, and out of mind for protection and safety. I'm on antidepressants but that alone doesn't cure the anxiety I often have around others. I've seen several counselors, but I never felt they cared, I was just another client contributing to their paycheck, and unknowingly making their ego higher while observed as a sad, embarrassing, laughable, pathetic joke; only existing to serve and entertain others. And funny thing is I don't have much to offer bc I given it all away or allowed it to be taken from me. I just don't get it. I'm beginning to question my sanity. Because at the end of the day I'm all alone if do something for someone or don't. My mind is believing everyone is out to use you, or bring you down like that, and that's how the world turns. Can anyone relate...or even offer just a little hope so I want to wake up the next day because I'm struggling and ready to check in and admit defeat or check out. Whichever one comes first.

"No I am not an escort or prostitute.....Im just a very tired, little ole me turning gray and losing the ambitious youthful beautiful woman I once was..not long ago and not far away."

4 Likes
#2

Damn. I feel that one. Sobriety coupled with anxiety and depression is fucking lonely. How are you supposed to cultivate meaningful relationships if you don’t feel safe/comfortable outside your home. Alcohol used to help with that. Now there doesn’t seem to be anything that gives me a break from my own mind.
Thank you for sharing, it helps me feel less alone. Message me if you feel like talking.

#4

Lynn, you are not insane but questioning it is more common than you think. At this time in recovery it is vital that you take one moment at a time reach out to those that you know that are in the program let them love you if you cannot love yourself right now. 
It literally will take one day at a time in the very beginning and you have to start somewhere trust me.

I hit a lot of lows and this last one was awful. I have always believed in my higher power. He’s been a shadow and finally a little over five months ago I decided to re-dedicate my life to him and boy let me tell you it’s been a lot easier doing His will rather than my own. 

2 Likes
#5

You got this!!! Trust in HIM. Let go and let God. :pray::kissing_heart::muscle::woman_in_lotus_position::blue_heart:

#6

Thank you...glad you don't feel alone. Getting your reply helps me as well to not feel alone and that I might be a lost cause. That's why I opened up here, bc I was too fearful to reach out to the real world, afraid of another disappointment, and one more time falling I don't think I could handle it right now. For me I have to do what works for awhile till I'm strong enough to trust myself in the outside world. I do have a little hope left, and I want to beat this. Hope you will as well. Life is worth living when you have others that can pick you up and your strong enough to pick them up. Thank you for helping to pick me up.

4 Likes
#7

M...you read me well and what you said is me...I am so tired and mentally feeling my mind is shutting down, and my heart is so broken it literally feels it's shutting down as well. I thank you so much for giving me hope.
God and my kids have been the only reason I keep on keeping on. But my faith is crumbling. There's only so much I can do for myself, I need a miracle. I'm doing more harm then good at this point.
I'm only alive bc I don't want to hurt my kids, but so scared if I continue this path I will have no choice but to check in so I don't hurt them or others with my reckless behavior. But right now my head is staying above water bc of hope and strong desire to be a better person.
(I love the outdoors, it's not in my nature to wilt away indoors. My biggest strength is my heart. I would love to feel the earth in my hands, travel, camp, be in the water once again.) Thank you M...have a blessed day. Your insight and understanding gave me another reason to keep on trying and not give up.

#8

H2...my highest power has been God. But I've let him down so much, I feel unworthy to receive him again. I've asked for his help all my life, and I'm still asking. Wouldn't he eventually say enough is enough? However, the idea of going to a spiritual place has been heavy on my mind recently. As I told "M" I need a miracle to save my life. I need to feel His presence. My energy has been too low to feel anything. But I'm going to push myself in the morning and leave my comfort zone and walk into a place where there are others reaching for Him, keeping their faith, and some like me needing help...needing a miracle. So many have more serious situations then myself, serious illness...disease, losing someone, their spouse or child. Feel I've taken too much of His time...their are others that are far more deserving of His Grace...His love. However, I'm still going there tomorrow, bc the alternative is going to be my demise if I give up. Thanks H2 for replying. Hope you have a blessed day. Crazy how often we help others throughout the day with just a simple hello or just listening. Opening up has given me some hope. I thank you all. You're awesome.

1 Like
#9

Praying for you, Lynn

#10

Addiction is so selfish. It wants your uninterrupted devotion. It will go to any length to isolate you from anything that will threaten its existence. It’s tricking you into thinking it’s a solution but deep down you know it stopped working long ago.

Recovery works when you give it your all. The devotion you’re used to giving a bottle or a pipe or a needle.

I use AA but they all work if you put the work in. But what you’ve been doing doesn’t work. Same method yields same result.

#11

You are not alone. And you knew to reach out here. So you do love yourself just enough to ask for help and encouragement
So simple, yet the hardest thing to do.

#12

Good point...you're absolutely right. Thank you.

#13

Craig, I agree. Anything worth having takes work...its never meant to be easy...bc if it is you'll only get back what you put in...and be very disappointed. Thank you.

#14

It’s good to share or write it in a journal because otherwise it is like balloon it pops

#15

Hope your okay a drink don’t fix it just runs you around again.

#16

We are all worthy of His grace !
Me being an alcoholic is what God had planned for me.
Thank the lord I didn’t get cancer or loose my legs but if I continue to drink it might just happen. He wants us to come all the time. Not just every now and then. I’m here for you!

#17

Now with all that being said, try to use it as your way of letting go of the horrible from your past. Begin Focusing on you in the right now. It doesn’t matter anymore about how u spent yesterday it’s all about Today & Tomorrow. Take today as your clean slate and live again.. I wish you the best

#19

Your no longer alone, and its a fact, you never have to be alone, ever, its your choice

#20

So how’re you doing today???

#21

Been doing well thank you. Just work, go to store, and back home. I don't trust myself to get out too much. Hope all's well with you Linda Have a good day.

#22

Hey Lynn, feeling alone is one the hardest things that we go through in recovery. Just a tip, I attend a ZOOM AA meeting called after hours most nights. There are all different levels of recovery there. It helps me at night when I can't get to an in person meeting. Meeting ID is 247 890 7316. Lots of great folks in there that you can simply listen to. Perhaps you might even share what you're going through. A problem shared is half the problem. A joy shared is twice the joy.