Sometimes life is tricky. And through all of the sadness and struggle iv gone through my entire life I still find a way to not loose hope that there is some sort of light and meaningful reason for me to be here . I feel so defeated and alone in my journey thus far but, I truly feel each day I wake up and challenge myself to not take the easy familiar path to and from where iv been, and focus on where I want to be .I find peace. Because many people who come from where iv been don't make it to where I'm at now. I have made so many mistakes and bad decisions. iv given my all to some and taken all from others. I have hurt and been hurt. I have lied and been lied too . I been trusted and been untrustworthy. I ask only to be forgiven if I'm worthy of forgiveness. I forgive all that have wronged me in any way and apologize for my actions in the past. I forgive myself for any negative thoughts I have twords myself for taking this gift of life for granted. harming myself by putting negative thoughts and substances into my body. From now on I will be good to myself and the people I love. I will find company with those who choose to love themselves and on a path twords a more fulfilling life and for those who are not, I forgive you but, l will have to love you from a distance till a time you feel change is within your heart to forgive yourself and make steps twords a more fulfilling life. I don't know what compels me to say all this tonight it's an overwhelming feeling I'm having and I feel I need to let these words flow out of me . I have only 4 months clean off of everything. The longest I have ever had sober since I was 7 years old I smoked pot drank and by the time I was in the 7th grade I was smoking and selling meth and slammed it for the first time that summer. I went along stretch not using meth after my freshmen year of high school after getting busted with 1 of the 15 pounds I helped cook with a family friend out in the desert of the shit whole town I grew up in and since I kept my mouth shut and took the charges I basically got to keep the whole batch and buy my way out with a expensive lawyer and short amount of time being I was still a minor . after that I drank so much of my life away it's hard to recall alot of that time in my story . I managed to be a somewhat functional drunk had a few good jobs learning trade construction . I lived in Oregon for a while working for a hospital doing somewhat well for myself has somebody could be drinking a fifth of whiskey a day driving all over the place delivering for a hospital when I got a call from my mother telling me that she really needs help and she wants to get off drugs so I decided to make the trip home knowing it that. Not much work out in the desert giving up my job in my apartment knowing exactly what I would have to do to get the money together back in my hometown the only things I know how to do there is sell drugs so I did just that not very many people knew what I was up to not even my closest friends I had at the time the people I was working for we're pretty serious about their business and pretty serious consequences came with talking about the business and I had felt a lot of trust with people in that Realm so I sold lots of drugs and did a lot of things that I am not proud of that still haunt me to this day thought I meant to move my mother and my grandma out of there they have been clean ever since they left so that part of my life although traumatizing risky dangerous what's some of that success in the sense that my Mom and Grandma were now safe in another state clean and sober to this day. Once I had accomplish that goal after a few jobs that I had to do these people to release me their business terrible things I had to do that still haunt me to this day I have lots of regrets and the decisions I've made in my life to better my family at my own risk to my life War hard on me once I was able to leave the guilt and shame send me into a relapse the whole time that I was working for them I was not allowed to use drugs is sell them being a conflict of interest to the business and a risk that carry huge consequences could have been at my life I've been caught using the supplies that I was supposed to be selling. So when I get back to Oregon I see my mom for the first time sober in my entire life completely changed person coherent healthy and happy my grandmother happy and full of life I had them pretty set up for about a the year and my brother helped out a lot as well and being already up here and I'm all responsible human to make better choices in life the choices I made but now my mom is looking at her son a full-blown meth addict again worry about every time that she saw me would be the last time she saw me depression was killing me and I started using heroin to make all matters worse. I had a rock bottom when my car got stolen my dog is 19 years died my girlfriend left me I got sued from a job I did on construction site homeless living on the street with nothing but thoughts of suicide ready to give up. I ended up getting caught with meth and heroin and put into drug court. I thought this was terrible unjustifiable not seeing positive until about 8 months ago I got into a sober living home and managed to get four months under my belt sobriety and somebody very close to me passed away sending me into he relapse that lasted about a week knowing where that was going to leave me I got checked into a treatment center on my own and I found something there that I did not expect and that was forgiveness and found that my story was inspiring to a lot of people skills that I have never been able to use before by being vulnerable and open honest and forgiving put a profound change in my life and the way I perceive the things within it we all have the ability to change ourselves and start making better decisions and it all starts with being able to forgive yourself and others for everything in the past that way today can be spent figuring out ways to make a better tomorrow. Just know that you're worth it everything that you're going through right now it's for the better you in the future it's not easy and you will still have hard times to come but figuring out how to deal with these hard time sober make the good times so much better don't give up find people who are working a program you can relate to be willing to take suggestions and I know that you don't have to be in control all the time take each day one day at a time. There are two useless days of the week and those two days are yesterday and tomorrow yesterday is already gone and tomorrow is not for certain today it's truly the only day that matters. I hope this story resonates with somebody with my horrible English and writing skills LOL I hope something resonates with somebody and helps you through whatever time you're going through. Good night my friend
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This song was the turning of the switch for me.. hopefully, I stay longer in the light than I did in the darkness... best wishes for your mom
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Great song how long have you been sober?
Hi Bobby, I found your story almost eerie. Give or take a few minor details, I too became my own best customer. For sometime I thought I invented it. Thanks for sharing your story. It made me think about how fortunate and grateful I am to have come out of my experience alive and had the Feds been a little bit smarter I would probably had to spend much more time in the clink. I would assume anybody that reads your story will feel some gratitude and a profound sense of hope. Very powerful stuff. Thanks again.