Just watched the Bachelorette today with a good friend of mine. It's a weekly tradition we've had for years while a new season is airing. Lately shes been busy with her new job/planning her wedding so we are a few episodes behind. Since im newly sober i didnt mind not seeing her yet, althought ive missed her company. This weekly tradition usually involves 2 bottles of wine (at least) . Since i decided to be sober I have only told my therapist, 2 friends and all of you. Ive known this friend for about 18 years and i cant bring myself to tell her i have decided to not drink anymore. I feel this shame that my drinking was unmanageable. I dont want her to see me different. Today, she drank and i didnt . I made the excuse that im on antibiotics because of a dental appt i had today (which is true). I didnt feel triggered even when i smelled the alcohol. I want her to drink if she wants to without feeling like she cant infront of me anymore. Ive been sober for 23 days now and i want to keep it going. I just dont feel ready to tell the people close to me. I know i cant be the first person to feel this way. Any advice will help.
I’m in a similar position. My partner/children’s father is the only one that knows my truth. The other people I have mentioned being sober to I explained as doing a “sober summer.” I’m still embarrassed that if I told them I’m just flat out sober because my drinking was unmanageable and that I have a problem. To the outside world I didn’t have a problem, I handled my life “very well” and while that was some what true I was high functioning, I was not well. During the day I was happy and productive and life was great but by night I was drinking heavily for years. It’s crazy how well we can hide things from people.
You are enough just the way you are right now. You will tell people when you are ready.
Hello Abby,
Don't be ashamed! Be proud of yourself everyday.
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone for your decision to stop drinking. When asked, I just say, " I don't drink alcohol." Calmy and non-emotional.
If they keep asking, keep repeating the same thing. Eventually, they'll stop. If not, walk away or leave the situation.
There's always going to be some smarty pants who wants to push the envelope with you, but don't let anyone rattle you.
Find strength within yourself to stay your course. Misery loves company.
All the best to you.
Be proud of yourself! You would be surprised how many people in your life will be supportive and actually curb their use.
First, I don't thing I could watch the Bachelorette without being 2 bottles in...but hey whatever floats your boat. Now for the serious stuff.
If your friend can't understand you wanting to be better I would reconsider being friends. It is a bit nerve wrecking at first when you begin telling friends you are in recovery, mostly because you don't know what they will think. Just remember you aren't in it for them. Also you may be surprised how many are totally supportive. True friends want what is best for each other. Who knows you may inspire her to do the same. You are stronger than the need to lubricate everything with liquor.
Thank you for opening up with your experience. Its great to not feel alone in this. I too was high functioning for most of my drinking. Then i went through a few harships back to back and didnt know how to cope except to numb. I had my first relapse dream last night and i realized how much my sobriety means to ME.
Still struggling on letting anyone in. Im thankful for this app and im going to my first meeting tomorrow. Embarrasement and anxiety has kept me from attending one before.
I have a little over 14 months now. When I made the decision to give it up, I also had to accept the fact that it could change the dynamic of some of my friendships. At the same time, I knew that if I didn’t have support, or my decision wasn’t respected, that it would put those friendships it perspective. Most of my closest friends who still drink and party have actually been very understanding which made me feel really good and reiterated truth to our relationship. And some have been impressed and wanted to know more about my path as they felt they may need to make a change.
In summary, if they love you, it shouldn’t be a thing.
Tell them
Maybe write them a letter instead of verbalizing it
I was shocked and amazed by how much love and support I was shown by my normies.
What we are doing is not a matter of willpower. We are battling a disease. Would you be ashamed to tell your friends of diabetes or similar? Would you feel like you should still eat donuts with them because you always used to?
With very few exceptions, and the way I look at it, is that they can handle it and I can’t. By this point in my sobriety I’m over the shame and guilt. You’ll get there too. Until you feel safe enough to tell your whole truth, there are a couple humorous lines I’ve heard at meetings for ppl in your shoes.
“I’m allergic. I break out in handcuffs”. Or my preference is to simply say “I’ve already had enough” which in my case is certainly true.
Unfortunately it's a societal issue that people have. With media always glamorizing drinking, the common idea is that drinking is the edgy, cool, elegant thing to do. I chose to give up booze as a matter of making healthier choices in my life, and still when I tell anyone they look at me as if there's something wrong with me. I still tell people. If more folks start seeing that being sober is actually the normal way to live, more places where people gather to socialize start adding fun healthy and interesting N/A options, and the "sober curious" movement continues to gain traction. Hopefully society will start to realize there's a reason the government allows this poison to be a major part of our society.
If a friend doesn't respect what your doing, or gives you crap for it. Come back with some strong points. One drink is close to as many calories as a small meal. You want to be present, not borrowing good feelings from tomorrow. Your tired of killing your body, and realize that you can thrive if you take care of your body. You're choosing life, not a poisonous distraction.
It may come off as intense to them, but the idea of alcohol being bad, as obvious as it may actually be, is really difficult for many to understand. It is so socially acceptable and even those who consider themselves to be responsible drinkers are to deep in to see it. It takes a ton of strength and commitment to choose to see the other side of the story. Be proud and hope that one day more will see things the same way.