My daughter gets triggered when I tell her I'm concerned about her drinking. She just told me she's not drinking and I'm not sure what to say as it feels like anything I say about drinking can be a trigger. Any suggestions?
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What has changed for you in the last couple weeks? Have you explored support for yourself?
Your daughters trigger is that she’s alcoholic. It’s not you. It’s not her job. It’s that she is an active addict who suppresses her feelings of fear and shame and doubt and remorse with alcohol because she doesn’t know any other way yet. And until she’s ready to admit defeat and ask for help, your efforts are better spent on yourself.
Thanks Craig. I really appreciate your support. The question I am stumped on is what to say when she tells me she's not drinking?
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Shame. Guilt. Remorse. Failure. And all the while her disease is trying to convince her that it’s her cure.
Addiction robs us of sanity. It’s the only disease that tries to convince us that we don’t have it. Addiction will try to protect itself (will try to keep us using) until we are dead, in jail, in a psych ward, or in recovery.
Asking your daughter to quit on her own is about as likely as asking a diabetic to be able to metabolize sugar. But until she believes that, and she asks for help, there is so very little you can do.
If you drink, stop. Go to al anon or smart recovery for families of addicts. Talk to her about what you’re learning. Because you’ll learn things that she’s feeling that she will never admit to you.
I’m not a huge believer in intervention or involuntary treatment, unless it’s a result of the court. But that’s just me. I don’t know you. I don’t know your daughter.
For me, I had to try it all myself. And fail. And lose or almost lose everything precious to me.
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Lisa, I misread your comment. I thought you asked why she tells you she’s not drinking when you know she is.
If she really truly stops without detoxing to the point of relapse or hospitalization, then she’s what we call “dry drunk” which is this bitter and resentful state where the alcoholic resents the person they “quit for” and is just waiting for the right excuse to drink again. Whatever they can blame it on.
So what you say is, “that’s great!! Perfect time to check out a meeting”.
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Lisa! Hi. 
I wish I had a surefire answer for you. All I can speak to is my own experience. I hope it helps.
I get unconditional love and support from my mother, as I know you also have to offer. She asks how I am doing. She tells me when she’s scared or worried (and it’s on me to address her feelings honestly). She asks me how my meetings are going. She understands addiction (I include alcoholism in that term… and I am also an alcoholic) to be a disease. She doesn’t judge me and it shows. Perhaps most importantly, she tells me when she is proud of me.
I know you have all of these things to offer your daughter. The catch, for me, is that I had to be ready to receive them. It took me far, far too long. She takes good care of herself … hits her own meetings, started weight-lifting at 70, reads, and listens endlessly to podcasts. Her health and well-being are just as important as mine. I think it’s hard for moms to see that, sometimes.
This is a little bit rambling, I’m sorry! For what it’s worth, two things you can always say are “I love you,” and “you have my support.” Both are obviously true. 
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