Stress has me going crazy... I am so fucking worried about shit... it makes me want to use... but I know that is not the answer.. it will only make things worse... such a vicious cycle it is.. that little diamon on my shoulder pecking at me.. it is borderline insanity... the reality of it all is I AM BETTER THAN THAT !! I AM WORTH IT !!! I AM WORTH THIS PROCESS !!!! I LOVE ME !!!!!
I have been struggling a lot lately... it is no one's fault but my own. I have a real hard time finding that balance between work and necessity.. work being a job and necessity being recovery meetings. I know in order for this to work I have to be selfish to a degree and put my recovery first. When I do , I do it to the point I neglect work... then when I work I neglect recovery... how do I find that middle ground... how??? I need to find out before it's too late. I don't want " THAT LIFE " anymore.. I have been stumbling lately and I am about to fall face first... I am trying to catch myself, but their is nothing to grab on to, or their is but it's just out of reach. Maybe if I extend my hand some one or some thing will help save me. I dont want to go down the rabbit hole... I am scared of what is on the other side.
So, it's almost 3 a.m. and I am beyond tired. My insomnia has kicked into high gear. I can feel it all through my body. All I want to do is the next right thing... I am so scared... and so worn thin.. I am almost no use to anyone... if I had a solid steady place to live and solid steady way to maintain it, things wouldn't be so bad. Yall remember me when I first got out if rehab. I was beaming with joy and positivity... Things were great. Then I got a job and a car and life was grand. Until that day... the day I had a seizure and passed out at the wheel and totaled my car. That day sent into motion the evil one.. from that day things started to go downhill like I was a ball rolling down a glass hill. For the love if Pete, I hope their is sand or feathers at the bottom.. like I said before I don't want to end up on my face. I have been there... and NEVER want to go there again. ...
Lack of sleep can be a huge downward spiral. Try excercise a few hours before bed to boost your endorphins. Limit sugar a lot and get sun/Vitamin D for depression and anxiety. Read up about the mind body connection. I have severe anxiety and major depression. Changing my diet and excercise has been HUGE! Especially during this COVID isolation. Get a calendar and set recovery meetings for the month. Stick to them and you won't feel guilt plus balanced. Work for money but don't become consumed by work. I have an addictive personality in every area which a lot of addicts do. I can recall working 4 to 7 days in a row many weeks! That's 24 hours around the clock! It destroyed my health and mind. Get a calendar and write down you balance. Something about seeing it and organization makes it easier to deal with.
It might come down to needing to change jobs. I know a guy right now who is qualified to make six figures and he works at target.. why? Because he knows recovery has to come first, and anything he puts in front of his recovery he will lose, full stop. I'm not saying you necessarily need to do anything that drastic, but maybe you do. I can't answer that question.
For me, recovery absolutely has to come first. Any middle ground has to work around that. I have the gift of desperation to the level that that's what my life is now. The good news is I'm happier than I have ever been at any point in my life as a side effect. Recovery really is beautiful and satisfying if you don't compromise it.
Lynn, I would start by planning no less than attending 3 meetings a week; make sure they are marked on a calendar. Since Zoom meetings are happening all over the world, you can choose a meeting held in another country. Also, taking a walk always helps. If you would like to chat, let's friend request and we will chat.
Lynn sometimes the best thing for me to do when feeling like this is what you just did . But I write in a journal… sometimes it's hard to do but I never regret when I do and it gets it all off my chest an turns into a prayer.. message me.. in case you ever need someone to contact