I’ve spent most of my life not being okay. Something was always off. I’ve been taken to a slew of doctors, went through many counseling sessions, medications and programs that were meant to “get me in line” with the rest of society.
Years went by, I really didn’t have any examples in my life. Was always distracted one way or another. Never could focus.
I didn’t have many people that I could call a friend back then. I was always awkward, fearful of being ridiculed. I was picked on constantly until I got to an age where being “bad ass” was the thing.
I played that part well. What I couldn’t solve with words was taken care of with my fists and my feet.
Little did I know, there was never really a point in time back then I was me. I spent my time seeking validation from my peers.
Putting on a massive show of badassery that in hopes would make the other boys compelled not to fuck with me and make the girls wanna fuck me.
Wasted years. So many wasted years.
I didn’t live for anyone or anything but myself. Even so, never took the time to buddy check and see if I was okay.
I was not okay. I was completely fucked up.
Life was spent constantly living in survival mode since I was a very young lad. I’ve developed this armor that over time got thicker and heavier. This layer of protection really had nothing underneath. Just a lost boy trying to hide the truth that he’s in fact, just lost. I would always hide the fact I didn’t know for fear I’d be made fun of.
Armor is an amazing invention.
My job requires a ballistic vest as part of your equipment load out. It’s designed to protect your vital organs from bullet and knife wounds. At the end of a training mission or an assignment, one of the first things you do is take off the 20 lbs of steel plates and every other piece of tactical gear that weighs you down.
It’s so much relief shedding that weight. It’s also a relief knowing that you’re safe to do so. But now you’re vulnerable to any threat that may arise within your location at that very moment.
But you trust the situation and know it’s secure.
The armor that has been put on by life however, much different. You’re mainly protecting your heart which bring you peace of mind. You’re protecting against a psychological enemy that wields weapons more effective than any rifle, shotgun or pistol.
Much like that bulletproof vest I wear for work, it is a relief to remove and just breath knowing you’re safe.
But when are you?
When are you safe?
That’s the danger is not knowing.
We’re all broken in our own ways. Have things in our past that really messed us up.
We’re all actually not okay on some level. It’s how you deal with it that’s the issue. I haven’t been given the coping skills when I was young so alcohol took that role for a little while. Everything seemed okay, until it wasn’t.
You have to get to a point where you feel safe, where you’re vulnerable, where you’re ready to accept that you’re not okay and drop those steel plates, get the help and find out who you really are.