Today is day 4 of my sobriety this year and it’s so sad that I know my issues I just lack the tools to follow through.
“I have these long drawn out battles with myself. I’ll feel so sorry, so upset, throw a full blown pity party for myself. I’ll be at what I consider so low. I become recluse. I’ll be at my fucking lowest and never reach out to anyone. I don’t like to ask for help and it is the very last thing I do. When I have asked for help, i get refused. I’ll then realize how fucked up this world is for people like me and it makes it worse. So I’ll find I’m in a black hole of emotion.
Then I pray. I pray to my god to give me an answer, tell me that where I am is where I should be. To let me KNOW that I will be ok, I am where I should be. Instant gratification is something I’m not used to and something I didn’t expect. It’s still something I didn’t get but gratification I did receive.
I haven’t had a life to be jealous of, to envy. I have been on my own a lot longer than anyone should. I have felt so fucking alone as a child, teenager, and young adult. I still continue to find myself there. I didn’t have a mom to tell all my problems to. I didn’t have a dad to warn me about boys. Instead I had two super hero’s that did what they didn’t have to. Who did the best they could with what they truly did NOT HAVE to do.
I realize the older I get that maybe the struggles, the uncertainty and the early head start to realizing my worth is what I make it, is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I was told by someone who has seen it all, that i “make the best of what I am given.” Since then I have tried to remind myself daily that, that is NOT an easy task and that one sentence in itself holds so much power. I am powerful. I forgive. I don’t forget, I move on. I fall down and I get back up and I’ll help anyone else who I see trying too. I find the strength inside of me when I have none left for myself and I use it to do good things. Even if the outcome is failure.
I am not ok and maybe I will never be. What I am though is stronger than my grudges, stronger than hate. I am stronger than the want to give up. Stronger than deflecting who I am onto other people. Stronger than selfishness. Stronger than envy. Stronger than giving into influence that would be easier.
Everyday I decide to be happy. I want to be happy and so I decided to think of only happy thoughts and that alone is a lot of strength.
Decide who you want to be but please do not drag anyone else down if you chose negatively.”
