I screwed up

Mental Health
#1

I screwed up. I’ve screwed up for so long, and I had no idea of the damages I was doing. I thought I was getting better, but the truth is, I put her through a vicious toxic cycle of nothing but issues based on my lack of trust, anger, fear, and codependency.
Now I don’t know if she is committed anymore. She wants to try, but the damage has been done. I am seeing a counselor now and haven’t started scratching the surface of my issues.

My issues come from a long line of series of events that happened since I was 2.
-Abusive alcoholic parents mixed with lack of unconditional love and comfort.
-Relationship trust issues broken by infidelity from the other party on more than 1 occasion.
-10 years of military brainwashing
-Manipulating ex and turning my children against me, parental alienation.

I have never taken the time to REALLY try and get better, even though i felt good in the moment, I wasn’t “committed” to getting better. This was a wake up call, and I hope it’s not too late.

I can say, I’m journaling, reflecting how I feel, and if I feel positive, I think positive, I give positive. I know my past events have molded me, but I haven’t molded myself into who I know I can be. This requires much work and more counseling, and reflecting. Repeat.

Thank you for reading.

3 Likes
#2

I'm glad you found a healthy way to deal with your emotions and struggles.

Hang in there.

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#3

Thank you.
I hate it took my 10 years to finally wake up

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#4

Ten years is better than never. I see people everyday who can't see the past for what it is.

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#5

Thank you.

#6

Better than never, 20 years, 80 years. You're taking ownership. You're growing. That's what we need.

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#7

Stay strong you can do it. I promise

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#8

Man I have been there and still go back to beat myself up sometimes. The only relief I get from beating myself up about the past is that I and you never have to be that person again. Hang in the bro.

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#9

We all have issues. Granted, some of us have more baggage from childhood, betrayals, etc. I, too, have suffered much pain in my life; I understand. Keep talking. It’s got to help. Do the best you can each day

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#10

Thank you. Some days it’s very easy to stay good and kind. Other days I keep judging myself and contributes to insecurities.

I guess it’s the limboland I feel like I am in. I am not sure if we are moving forward or it’s a lost cause.

Just heard she wants ME to date other people. I can only assume at this point she wants to explore other people as well. Though denies it when confronted. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue, and really didn’t mean to push me that way. Just feel like 10 years, and I find the one true one that understands me. But yet she wants to “want” try to “date me first” or find me attractive in the areas of being a good person with good qualities.

It’s just so much, and hard to know where this ship is sailing sometimes.

#12

My comment this morning, was derived from comments and actions last night that just really ate me up.

Now, I feel after we talked, and how torn I was, she still told me I handled myself very well. Actually, she had no idea what I was talking about. I thought my issues were put us in the deeper hole.

Today, I’m helping her move into our guest bedroom. Something she said she needs to do, so get over whatever this funk we are in.

I have hope, but it’s difficult after nights like last night, where I am triple guessing every action move I make.

Just sucks.

#13

Please hang in there. Reverting back to being positive is hard. Look for good outcomes.

Time is time, and 5 years of pain is worth the 20-50 years of love and wholesome goodness.

1 Like
#14

Hi group

#15

You seem to be blaming everyone for your life those people are gone

#16

What do you mean?

#17

Put the past in the past let it go

#18

I guess you don’t understand. Someone who has ptsd just can’t “get over it”. Ask any person who was raped, and tell them to get over it.

I think you might need more help than me.

#19

I’m sober 38 years went meeting 5 years every day I still go my group 2 ca a week I’m
Telling you how to stay sober keep living in past get drunk up to you even an alcoholic who was raped has to come to terms with it

#20

I appreciate your comments and insight.

Thank you

#21

Youre doing a lot of work. Self awareness is the biggest step and positive tool to build a better life. I feel the same way sometimes. It took 21 years for me to realize the abuse i lived in, and it took a year to come to terms/get out of denial with only some of that abuse. It sucks to have lived with what feels like a long time a life you wish didnt happen. But what matters now is the present. You not only are aware of yourself, but you want to change for the better. That in itself is so positive and amazing. Some people never realize things, and some people dont want to change. The fact youre doing both is incredible. Sending good vibes your way.

1 Like