I relapsed after nearly 2 years of being clean.
I had come a long way in my recovery up until about a year ago until a woman entered into my life, and then things got tricky. With in person meetings shutting down due to COVID- I lost touch with the program and couldn’t buy into online meetings (ironic how I’m using a recovery app a year later) and eventually lost touch with my sponsor. So what would any addict do? Put his full attention towards the new and shiny thing, the girl. A tipping point was when she told me of an ex she had who battled addiction, but was so far gone and left destruction in his path and left her running for the hills. At the time this seemed like a good thing, she knew what it was like dating an addict right? It wasn’t until months of us dating when I had my first few drinks that they would be the end of us, not then, but soon to come. I assured her I could handle it and it was ok, how I wanted to be “normal” to her, even when she was fine with me being sober. This was my disease behind the steering wheel, the perfect storm was coming. No recovery in my life and an “I got this” attitude. Innocent nights out with drinks were common, until I hit my usual speed bumps. Drinking and driving, blacking out, flirting with other women, getting my drug of choice sneakily, being a passenger to my buddy putting his car in a ditch and then fleeing the scene? My dark side came back out in the matter of a few short months.. she knew something was wrong, this wasn’t the guy she met previously? I told her I needed to go back
to meetings and do this and that, but I never did until it was to late. I was lost, ashamed, and demoralized like I had been before. We broke up after I had a melt down, I didn’t even have the words to explain to her what and why I was feeling how I was feeling. I knew I felt like a piece of shit and I didn’t deserve any love, so I didn’t even try to get her back.
And then my life changes forever, a couple weeks later my mom unexpectedly passes away. That is a whole other story for another time. Rip mom 
I post this not to get sympathy or anything like that, but I decided that I couldn’t go back to that old way of life again, I could and would not endure the pain again. Unfortunately I am the type that needs his back pushed to the wall before I can see the changes I need to make. It is something I will prioritize this time around in my recovery, nonetheless I will have a month clean on Saturday. If you take away anything from this: life on life’s terms can and will toss you around like a rag doll; always be honest with yourself first, check your motives on the daily, fill any void you may be filling with healthy choices, not convenient ones. Godspeed!!
Thanks for sharing Joey. You really did touch on a lot. I had a whole lifetime of relapsing before I got clean in 2002. Had almost 9 years and then I relapsed in 2011. Now I've been sober for going on seven years in July. Lot of the meetings are starting to open back up again. I really need to start getting back to meetings again myself because I don't ever want to forget how I screwed up back in 2011. I call people on the phone if nothing else and I know that's more than most of us do, especially us guys.
I've made a lot of the same mistakes and been down some of the same roads. You brought back a lot of memories. I went through a lot of different women in the program too. Talk about dumb with a capital D. When I got sober in 2002 my sponsor suggested that I stayed out of relationships for a long time until I could figure out who I was. I stayed single from then all the way up until I got into a relationship in 2015. I've been married for over two years now and it's been a most beautiful relationship. More beautiful then I could have ever imagined.
Thanks for the response Dave.
It’s always nice to hear someone who can relate. It goes without saying that relationships can be difficult in general, but especially for us in recovery. I will most definitely take my relapse as a learning experience, and tread carefully in relationships in the future, as much as I think I may be ready. Congrats on almost 7 years and the marriage!! It works if you live it.
Once I realized I was an addict, I knew I had to try to stop because I feared loosing what little I felt I had left. Addiction is an awful disease. It sucks but sometimes it does take a harsh event for us to see our ways. I hope you dont mind but I saved your words towards the end. Dont wanna sound weird but it gave me a lot of comfort. Sorry for your loss. Sending you good vibes. Thank you for sharing
Thanks for the reply Liz, it does suck not being able to see the damage you’re causing until it’s to late or enough damage is done, but we always have a choice to get back up
and keep fighting. I’m glad you took something from what I said, not weird and I don’t mind. Stay strong !
Thanks 4 keeping it Real , welcome home ( Stay), much love & respect
Wow carry on brother!!!
Needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Jessica !! Glad you can relate! I’m so glad I found this app! Such an awesome tool 
& will do.
Thanks brother 
Will do my friend!! Thanks for reading
Absolutely! Thanks for reading 
So sorry about the loss of your mom, she’d be proud of you getting back on the horse brother! It’s def a sober reminder on how slippery this disease really is...really appreciate you sharing!
Thanks brother. Crazy how a perspective can shift with one single event man. Certainly was a reminder for me. Thanks for commenting.
DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR RELAPSE. , I hate to say it but I feel I will tribute to pharmakia or spirits once in a while forever unfortunately. Always keep the good stuff. Your good time, and maybe a relapse will release the beast so you can realize what you want and if your mentality becomes over manic because you believe the relapse is a major fault. Maybe a time of release, sometimes can be healthy , I do not condone relapse let alone , going back to drugs and alcohol, but medicine you use drugs and alcohol you abuse. Horrible comment , definitely this is not wisdom
Anybody against anti psychotic or mood stabilizers or anti depressants. I mean if we're have done with our life is a doctors med better then self medicating. Does anybody feel like they want to go to your town , cUse it socks where I live and that , a good place with people that have support and want to live a healthy life is the answer but there is no such thing , so here I am I. My town where I have no one , which it's you that could be my strength. But my friends and family say I need to do it for myself. ...mid life down the road still struging
Good story brother
I relapsed last year. I'm homeless now, going to inpatient soon. I crashed my car, got divorced, and my custody of my kids suspended. I can relate. Sober now 10 days. Wahoo!
Get back up and try again u can do itttt
Congrats on 10 days Natasha reach out for support if you want.