I’m lost. I’ve been sober 11 years. I do everything to excess. The only way to regulate myself is to give things up completely. Over the last 20 years I’ve given up eating meat because I ate greasy hamburgers all the time. I gave up cigarettes because I would chain smoke. I can’t take pain killers when I injure myself because I started exceeding the dosage. I had to quit drinking because I wound up drunk all the time. The only Vice I had left was caffeine. I would drink a pot of coffee per day and then drink Red Bull on top of that. If I didn’t have time for coffee I’d take Vivarin or put instant coffee under my toungue. I was overweight a few years ago and I took up walking. I would walk 5 miles at a clip in the broiling Florida heat. I started getting abnormal heart beats. One day I woke up with A-fib. It took 22 hours in the hospital to get my heart in normal rhythm again. Now I have to take daily meds to keep my heart in normal rhythm. I can’t drink caffeine, can’t walk in the hot sun, can’t ever smoke again and two years ago when my dad died I had a slip and drank a couple of cocktails one evening. The next morning I woke up in a-fib. I think the alcohol triggered it. Not that I ever want to drink again, but knowing that I can’t do any of these things anymore makes me feel powerless and trapped. I had to give up caffeine. Even the tiny amount in decaf coffee makes my heart flutter.
We as humans like to alter our normalcy with various substances and stimulants. I can’t now. I live in fear of Afib all the time. I see everyone around me smoking, drinking, consuming caffeine and I’m on the beach permanently. Again, not that I want to, but knowing I can’t is killing me. Does this make sense to anyone? I’m so depressed all the time. I have no escape valve for my stress. I tried some weight lifting to relieve stress, but my back is so messed up that I end up injuring myself constantly. Since food is the only vice I can have, I’ve become fat again, which is bad for my heart. Please give me some advice. I’m full of rage and depression and self loathing.
Hi
The only thing that has given me peace and freedom in sobriety and helped me with my excess of everything is working the 12 steps with a sponsor and being active in recovery
Hi David. I'm Amy. You're story sounds rather familiar. Go, go, go, drop. Almost doing anything in excess is the same as chasing chaos for the adrenaline & then ur body crashes. I have struggled with weight my entire life. When my life feels out of control... eating disorder pops up. Because what I eat or don't eat-- is ALL I have left to control. Try looking at it from a different perspective. What pain inside u, is causing u to want to numb out?? I strongly believe that all sorts of fears feed our anxieties...which drive us (or trigger) ones cross addictions to rear their ugly head! I've been able to figure out a lot, in terms of what hurts SO bad, that I want to numb with sugar, narcotics, caffeine, drama, physical pain, Crack cocaine... list goes on. I have to re wire my brain to learn I Am ENOUGH. (Morris's Peer). When in constant overkill mode-- ur simply pushing ur body or mind to exertion. Another way to numb. And not take care of you. Feel free to message me to discuss more privately. You're not trapped... except in ur mind. Know this. We can't control anything... except-- how we REACT to it. "It" = toxic relationships, drama, work issues, wanting to use, cutting, binging,, depricing ur body of nutrition,, excessive sugars or not taking ur meds, all our essentially damaging ourselves or our bodies.... bc we "hurt" and want that pain to go away through any means. Numb that pain. What will it accomplish? Nothing really-except hurting ourselves from the outside in or inside out. Make sense?? I hope so...
Oops, so for auto spelling changes. Name of author: MARISSA PEER (or Peers?) Sorry, not sure. It's called
"I am enough". Is teaching me I need to love myself, first. And all the ways in which our brain essentially hijacks positively in the messages we tell ourselves. For instance, I'm such a loser. I'm just an addict. I'm so stupid, I can't even stay sober for 2 days... instead- I AM ENOUGH. I'm human, bound to make mistakes. Relapses happen, I just need to remind myself to live one day at a time or one minute at a time, if that's all I can do. That's good enough for now. Tomorrow is a new day. There's r HUNDREDS of positive things to tell yourself instead... and remove those negative tapes that replay in ur sub conscious. Be grateful for what u DO have, not what u dont. In time, the simplest thing of changing your negative thoughts to positivity, will impact ur life 10 fold - in all sorts of good ways. Let people build u up, until ur able. The pain, anger (perhaps resentment) I carry runs deep. But until I can forgive... I can't let go of all the reasons I want to numb that pain away. Still a work in progress. Many years sober. Humbled by others & their stories. Relapses happen. But it's not the end of the world. Relapses happen in our mind WAY BEFORE the incident occurs that we think triggered it. Perhaps u felt trapped or like a failure bc u couldn't find a way out of the trap without using... thats where ur addict brain is miles ahead of u. And relapsing is just a behavior. It isn't good or bad. It happens. A lot of people judge themselves... and harshly I might add... simply by giving a behavior or action value (good/bad)... where it's just an action. I'm rambling again, sorry. Please look into that book. I promise u-its an easy read & offers u so much to open ur eyes, and understand the importance of loving yourself for who u r... and not what u think others (including yourself) "think" u should be.
David's it takes a lot of courage to reach out like you just did. So honorable. Your transparency is amazing. It not only tells me that you're ready for change but that you have the strength and courage to endure that change. Amy hit the nail on the head about being trapped in your mind. That's where the battlefield lies. If you can change the thought you can change the action/behavior. Easier said than done I get it . I went down the same path that you did for 25 years. When one thing stopped working I tried another. It all worked until it didn't. They say to gain self-esteem you have to do esteemable acts. The best thing you can do for yourself it to get outside of yourself. You see someone you don't really agree with, buy them a soda. You see an older lady loading her car with groceries give her a hand. Sounds corny but it works. Believe it or not you're in a good place in that you're willing to go to any lengths for change. I don't know how you feel about 12 step meetings but they are a game changer. There is one for drugs , gambling, over-eating, sex you name it. The idea behind them is first off becoming a part of something greater than yourself, that being community. Then becoming apart of that community by being of service
Then you go to meetings until you hear your story in someone else's and you ask them to become your sponsor. They will help guide you through the 12 steps. It's not an overnight solution. It takes work and sacrifice but it will bring the change that you're longing for. You're ready man you have the gift of desperation. It's a great thing. You're on the right track. You're definitely ready for change and everything else you've tried isn't working. I tried it all too brother and I was tired of chasing after things that brought me temporary relief I wanted something concrete. Bro you can message me anytime and if you want you can dm me and I'll give you my number if you need to talk anytime day or night my phone is always on. I'm in Hawaii so my time is a bit different from the mainland but that's ok. Just let me know. I'm not blowing smoke you did an amazing and brave thing by reaching out like you did. Don't let go of that and you'll make it brother. I mean it day or night. Keep us posted
Thank you for sharing David. I’m struggling too right now and I can identify with your pain. I don’t stop using whatever it is until I get in trouble somehow. It takes me a long time to even notice I’m doing it and sometimes it’s too late. It’s very helpful to know I’m not alone.
Try Swiss Water Process decaf. Its 99.9% caffeine free & deliscous. Also many hot teas are enjoyable! The greatest tool of staying sober & find harmony in life is to sponsor guys. To walk them through the steps & watch them Recover. This is what sets us free! Find someone who needs your help & be the big brother you were destined to be.
In recovery it's about having a balance. Drinking or using was never the answer to life's problems! It was a temporary postponement of the inevitable. You only get so many chances before your higher power pulls the plug. Adress your compulsions before they kill you. Bsj
Drinking/drugging, Jason versus the world. Sobriety, Jason versus Jason. Cognitive distortions! CBT, Jason sought professional help. Jason has a better understanding of Jason versus Jason struggle. This understanding has lead to healthier more desirable outcomes. Attitude is altitude! Telling myself "I cant" kept me spinning. Pop the clutch, my brother. You can!!! 
out! 
Where do you buy that? Any brands you can recommend?