I’m in the last part of my inventory and I’m learning so much about myself. Always thought I was the victim and I see all this damage in my wake. Perspective is crazy how I can delude myself so thoroughly in order to survive. I have a ton of anxiety right now and I’m saying that third step prayer over and over but I know it’s not going away until I make my amends. I’m struggling to prioritize my sobriety as first because I have to work a lot and I’m tired as hell so With zoom meetings going hybrid I just am not going and I need people who are sobriety minded around me to keep me honest. Last night I was seriously tempted to arouse jealousy as Bill says in the big book…. I am always resisting some urge that goes against my new way of life. I realize I was and am very very ill with alcoholism and I have a long way to go. I used to think I had this thing now I think how many layers are there over my true spiritual nature, layers of ego, pride, fear? Fear has ruled me and what’s crazy is it still does I’m just aware of it now and that sucks. I go to the Tao and get some relief but it’s the steps I hope will free me. I really mean it today when I say that third step prayer. I used to only care about the part where my difficulties are removed while today I can honestly say I care more about removing self so I can do the will of god. So I’m hopeful but very fearful still.
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