I have been struggling with addiction for about 5 years now. It’s been an on and off journey. There have been moments when I am really motivated to stop drinking and I am convinced that that is the best choice in that moment. Then, there are moments when I just feel like “having fun” or drinking to avoid an uncomfortable feeling or situation im going through. I know my drinking is a serious problem because it has gotten me into serious problems. I’ve lost jobs, gotten into car accidents, put myself into dangerous situations and surrounded myself with toxic and dangerous people because of my addiction. I am aware that addiction is only the tip of the iceberg and that there exists an underlying issue, my mind. I will admit that I feel chained and enslaved to my addiction at times. I also feel chained to my own mind. I feel like I am weak at times. I wish that I could be stronger and I wish I could be more in control. I know I have gotten better at controlling my mind over time. I give thanks to my maturation and meditation for that. I don’t know if I should keep hoping to be freed from this because hope has brought me a lot of deception and anxiety due to the fact that I cannot meet that idea of me that I desire to be. Progress has been slow and sometimes even regressive at times. Hope creates resistance. I am learning to be okay with myself every step of the way, in every state. I know I am good at times and that keeps me pushing. I think patience has helped a lot during this journey. Telling myself I will be sober forever seems so unrealistic to me so I set short term goals like one month or two months, that way, the finish line doesn’t seem so far and seems more doable for me. I don’t know if I want long term or permanent sobriety. I would like to be able to balance it like normal people do. For now, this is what is happening.
All we have is today. I too also project into the future which is not necessarily guaranteed. I am not sure if I could stay sober if I were focused on the challenges that I might face in he future.
Based on everything you just said, moderation might be difficult for you. For me, it's impossible. Sure, I wish I could be a “normie" and have a couple of beers, but it's never, ever going to end at a couple beers for me. I'm going to drink and drink until something or someone stops me, and then I will pick right up where I left off, except my disease progresses even when I'm not drinking.
So for me, drinking is not an option. I tried every level of commitment up to working a full program of recovery, and that's where I am now. I'm not saying that's the only thing that works for everyone, but that's the only thing that works for me.
As to being sober forever, that's not something that really even crosses my mind. I'm not even thinking about a month from now. I'm not thinking about a week from now. Just for today is such a tired cliche, but there's a reason for that. It's the way that me and millions of other people live in order to arrest our need to imbibe alcohol.
It's okay to not know what you want! You're a free man I assume, you said yourself what the consequences have been, it's up to you if that's worth it in order to continue drinking.
As to feeling weak or feeling like you've failed or whatever when you can't stay within your limits, that's not an issue of willpower or determination. Addictive substances hijack the mind of people with addictive tendencies, bypassing your critical thinking and tricking you into thinking that something like booze is necessary to survival. It's insidious. And that's why trying to stop on your own borders on the impossible. That's why if you decide you want to stop you almost surely need help, and probably professional help.
I'm not a professional myself but if you want to talk more about this I'm available, there's lots of good recovery support in this community. And if you want to try to moderate or keep experimenting with different methods, I would love nothing more than for you to succeed beyond your wildest dreams. But there will always be a recovery community somewhere happy to help you if you decide to try something new.