I had been doing ok until I bought a box

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#1

I had been doing ok until I bought a box of rigs and starting shooting my subs. I've always loved benzos but they're scarce in my area but one day around August 2019 I found a plug online selling research chemical benzos through the mail. And this stuff is no joke. A mild to moderate dose of flubromazolam is 0.25mg for instance. That's 250 MICROgrams. So anyway I jumped in hard with that, clonazolam, etizolam, diclazepam, and flualprazolam. And am getting the pure powder and making solutions with propylene glycol and injecting it with my Subutex. I was basically blacked out for about six months. I went to see my Dr. to see about starting a benzo taper. I was taking so much my initial titration dose was 160mg of diazepam/day and I was still miserable. Anyway, present day, a little over a year later I finally weened myself off them and picked up my last prescription of 0.5mg/day (weeks supply) a few weeks ago and I knew it wasn't gonna be a cakewalk but holy s*** I was hella sick and I'm ashamed to admit I went right back online and bought 300mg of my worst enemy. Now, here I sit three weeks laters and I went and full-blown relapsed... :disappointed::disappointed::disappointed::disappointed: Been on 3 heroin runs, ben shooting dope, subs, and an assortment of benzos 5-6 times/day.

I just feel so stupid and ashamed thst I wasted like 14mo of tapering, probably close to $10,000 altogether and I'm right back where's I was when I first started. My relationship has completely dissolved, my health is at its worst; physically, psychologically, and mentally. I have extreme agoraphobia to the point where I leave the house maybe 2×/month and I pretty much don't eat anymore... I'm probably at the lowest I've ever been in my life. I'm at a loss, scared I'm going to lose everything once again and I need help. So that's it....

Side note--- IMO, if we can develop a vaccine in less than a year A distributed to half the world we should be able to come up with much better treatment options for addicts than methadone and Subutex which are just legal versions of the same thing.

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#2

Damn, Michael. That’s a lot. I’m sorry you’re going through all this right now. What does stick out to me in Your story is the overarching theme of you WANTING to get sober. It might not seem like a lot, but willingness is the key. You made mistakes, it sucks, but we all do. Do you have any sober friends or trusted ppl in your area who can come and help you dispose of your sh!t? I’d also suggest checking out a Zoom meeting ASAP.

#3

Hi, Michael. That's a mouthful right there. Treatment is available. You can contact your local MA for meetings and to find a sponsor. Tap the lifesaver icon to find local treatment center.

#5

It sounds like you need inpatient treatment man, like tonight. Even if it hasn't worked before, I've known people who had to go 30 times, it's still your best option.

It's time to forget about the expense and forget about failure and the past and do the next right thing, which is picking up the phone and getting professional treatment. Your situation is to the point that that seems like the only rational course of action. I'll pray for you buddy. I added you if you want to talk.

#6

I just relapsed on the needle last night actually so I completely understand man all we can do is pray he knows our hearts position on what we do.

#7

Can you get into a treatment center?