I genuinely do not know how I didn’t get high

Recovery
#1

I genuinely do not know how I didn’t get high today, nothing bad happened, nothing, just started a new job and had obsessive thoughts all shift and all they tell me to do is say fuck it all just get high, life’s overrated anyways, I’m the longest I’ve ever been clean at 124 days clean and I always relapse between 3-6 months. I just don’t know how to get through this shit anymore. I refuse to give up just for today but I’m scared I can’t get better and I can’t find god and it just hurts too much, my addiction doesn’t just want me high it wants me dead due to suicide or some crazy shit I just need to vent and get real cause this is fucked up

#2

I hear you. Just try to remember that "you are enough". Sometimes it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, and one second at a time. You are enough!

#3

Thank you I’ve stayed sober and felt the pain but I got through it and feel much better already, just lots and lots of mood swings I guess but I’m not giving up in me

#4

You're welcome :blush:
Mood swings are so difficult to deal with. Remember to love yourself first- and that's not being selfish.

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#5

Thanks☺️

#6

I did another 4th- 5th step with my sponsor. It made me feel worse not better. Realized it's layers. We swept a whole layer of shit away forever and now I can see the shit underneath. I hate that recovery works like this for me. That there are no pink clouds. But im alive, I can feel. And that's how it's been for 30 years. Hang on bc if you can get the hang of feeling shitty and turning to God over and over you have a pattern that will last.

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