I really thought I knew what I was doing and no one could convince me otherwise. Man did I have some learning to do!
I would like to share with you part of my experience. I met my 1st wife in a bar through a friend of mine when I was playing music back in the 1980's. I thought I had met my dream girl. We both had much in common, (so I thought) especially the drinking. So about 2 months into it we moved into a place together. After she got pregnant, we got married because back then it was considered the right thing to do even though we really should have been married before we were living together. She became pregnant again. I could feel that my life was slowly coming apart because this was not the way I had planned things and I certainly had not planned on being a father anytime soon.
Eventually our relationship started going downhill because of the drinking. I was in a treatment center a few times and every time I got out, my wife became harder and harder to contend with because she was nowhere ready to stop drinking and I wasn't really ready either. There was a lot of violence from time to time and the police showed up at our door many times with one or both of us going to jail at times. After almost 7 1/2 years of being together we got divorced.
Before our divorce was final, I met another woman in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. (DUMB!) I thought this woman was very beautiful (2nd dreamgirl)and so her and I, against the advice of more experienced members of Alcoholics Anonymous, started seeing each other. We kept going to meetings together. Although we talked about not having kids anytime soon, she accidentally got pregnant and we moved in together. Another unplanned event.
I was a truck driver and so eventually, after I relapsed I was able to keep my drinking double life a secret from my girlfriend because I was gone for the week. She actually relapsed herself and I would come home to find her passed out on the couch with our baby girl crawling on the floor. I have to tell you that the six years that her and I were together we're the most miserable years of my entire life.
One day in 1998 I packed everything I could into my car and took off to take on an over the road truck driving job. I spent the next 4 years living in bars and in my truck. I checked into a treatment center on December 11th of 2002 and my new sobriety date was December 12th of 2002.
My new sponsor gave me some clarity and talked me into staying out of relationships for a good period of time until I could figure out who I was and how to live a day at a time without picking up a drink. He also showed me that until I understood myself and who I was and could be content with myself, I had absolutely nothing to offer the opposite sex. I did stay sober for almost 9 years but unfortunately I relapsed one more time in 2011. I have now been sober coming up on 7 years. (7/6/14)
I did stay single until 2015 when I met my now wife. We've been married for over 2 years and I've never been happier. When I took the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I got enough clarity to realize that my life got to be the way that it did because of decisions that I made that were based on SELF.
I never stopped to consider how my actions or decisions would affect the OTHER person. It was always about me, me, me and what I wanted. It took me a long time to understand clearly that relationships are NEVER a solution to our addiction problem.
They only compound things and usually take us back out. I lived by myself for a long period of time before meeting my wife and I also learned during that time that I was co-dependent. Living by myself taught me how to be completely independent of anyone else and how to be totally happy in sobriety outside of relationships.
Relationships have their place but never in early sobriety. And never as a solution. Many people, myself included have found this out the hard way.
My life is not perfect but it is a far, far cry from the way it used to be as a result of God, AA and sharing with people like you. Thanks for reading and I hope you make the right decisions in your life.