A word on toxic relationships

Recovery
#1

I wanna talk about this because I just got out of one. One thing about toxic relationships is that sometimes it's hard to tell you're in one. I saw some red flags maybe, that little voice in the back of my mind might have been tugging my sleeve trying to warn me, but I had come to love this person. They're amazing. I might even be able to see myself spending the rest of our lives together. How's that for taking it one day at a time?

Denial is powerful because, by definition, if you're in denial, you can't identify it. If you could, you wouldn't be in denial anymore!

Soon those red flags seemed to be multiplying. Little lies turned into bigger ones. I had to start questioning whether I was even staying in the boundaries of my integrity still being with her. But I love her, I would reply! You don't just abandon people you love!

I know.. if I can just set a good enough example of what recovery looks like, if I can love her enough to make her eventually love and respect herself, she'll come around.

I can fix her... right?

Wrong. With a capital W.

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#2

My phone bugged out so here's the rest:

Pretty soon the lies got worse and worse, she was further from a good program than she'd ever been since I'd known her. But I love her so much I can help her change! I'm not going to be the one to change her, but I'm going to help her love herself. Wrong again. It's almost like I have no power over what other people are going to feel and do! Damn, powerlessness, where have I heard that word before..

Pretty soon everyone I respect is telling me to run screaming for the hills, she's ghosting everyone who cares about her except for me because she's entirely dependent on me for that sense of community and hope. And that just doesn't work, not for us with this disease.

Then she starts breaking boundaries, boundaries that are supposed to be unbreakable, and I'm in so deep that I'm in danger of falling back into codependency because now I'm wrapping up my value in trying to help this person, seeing a failure to do that as a failure of my own making. The ego it takes to think that way! But I'm in so deep, she has so many amazing qualities that I love, and I didn't want to let that go

1 Like
#3

This app is busted on my phone. Here's act 3:

The truth is impossible to deny anymore. I'm in danger of going down with the ship, a ship I don't have any slight control over. It's going to get to a point where my recovery is in danger: the one thing that we both agreed came first. So I stuck to my guns. It's over. I'm gone.

I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need in a relationship, and I fear I've done some real damage by leaving, but it was the only card I had left to play. My recovery has to come first.

I hope one day she learns to love herself the way I love her, because she deserves it. But until then, she's got a lot of work to do. And so do I because I should have known better.

Take the suggestions your sponsors and people with clean time have to say. Be careful with relationships, especially in early recovery.

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#4

This hits very close to home. Prayers brother🙏

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#5

Thanks for sharing, I feel you all to well. I am at that same point with my wife of 9 years well we have ben together for 16. Three beautiful kids together and know I can’t change her, showing her my best version of myself and recovery only seems to harbor resentment in her. She wanted me to get sober for years and now that I have ben for almost 3 she has gone downhill with her use. I contemplate leaving her every day and know that I probably should and that I am enabling her from having to hit bottom, but my kids mean more to me than anything. It is if I am living in hell everyday. I think you made the right choice I know what you are feeling hang tight man!

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#6

I know how much it hurts to watch someone you love go down that path. I hope it works out for your family. Stay strong brother

#7

Thank you for that...I would say beyond a shadow of a doubt you speak from experience! Your are a veteran at this. You see!!?

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#8

Yeah, I'm starting to see.

In the past I would have enabled her and let myself get pulled further and further in

#10

It’s really hard. Even if you stay together, recovery has to come first or we lose everything anyway

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#11

Yes that is true too but don’t lose sight of the fact that recovery is a bridge back to life and at some point our test to recovery will change!

#13

Great quote… I’ll remember that one.

I read the post you made a few hours so I’ll hit you with a quote of my own.. it’s only a mistake if you don’t learn from it

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#15

Thank you for sharing! I can totally resignate!

#17

Thank you for sharing your story. I was in a toxic relationship. I was the one who was toxic. Well that’s what I feel like wether it’s true or not my addiction got the best of me. In my addiction I found out that my ex was cheating on me and stealing money. She was planning on leaving me as soon as she could find away. Well her time came when she filled a restraining order on me.
We were together for 16 years, married almost 7 years, bought a house together. Had assets and one child.
Today I’m grateful for her. What she did to get me out of the house and into sobriety was more then a gift. As for the vindictive actions, lies and stealing of money, I forgive her as much as I forgive myself for my actions. Life’s too short to harbor resentments, fears or harms. I’m 598 days today! I feel like a new man. I’m a believer in God. I live life on life’s terms.
I’m learning how my co-dependency issues play out with now living with my dad is an addict as well. I also had co-dependency issue with my ex wife when we first got together as I did everything to fix her and not myself. And as soon as my ugly addiction unfolded ten fold she was gone. I’m very cautious when someone says “I love you” because I was told that during my marriage to only find out that money was more important to her then love.
Again I’m grateful as the more clarity with each day brings me in sobriety.
Thank you as you helped me better understand my ex wife’s point of view as well as mine.

For me if you love someone we will cheer them on from the side. No matter what they’re doing. We learn to let them live their life. We support them when they fall. We guide them not do it for them. We don’t step on them or over them.

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#18

We paint Red Flags Pink!!!

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#19

I always liked the bit where, “if you look at everything with rose colored glasses, red flags just look like regular old flags”